Monday, November 23, 2009

Turkey Romance

This will be the last time that I post about Mallory, the nutty turkey. You may remember my previous posts about Mallory. She has been gone for a couple weeks now and I have been in denial. I keep thinking she may just show back up. The reality is that there is about a .004% chance of that occurring.

Here is what I want to believe is Mallory's fate, and no one can tell me otherwise:
Turkeys mate in long-term in pairs. We have (had) two females and one tom turkey. Shawn, our resident tom, took to Melissa (Mallory's sister), thus making Mallory the third wheel. Mallory embraced being single, running about the farm doing crazy s#!* like taunting the dogs, and letting two years olds pet her. Then one day she took a walk down to the creek bed.....

Out of the mist appeared a young, roguish tom turkey. He was a wild turkey, not tethered to a hen house, or a five o'clock supper time. He introduced himself as Thor, and complimented Mallory on her plumage. "What's a pretty girl like you doing out here all alone?" asked Thor. Mallory explained that she was misunderstood back on the farm, and that her only friends were a redheaded midget and a noisy hound dog. Thor asked her to come away with him and be "his lady". Mallory obliged. She hopped on the back of Thor's, turkeys don't drive motorcycles. She got in his Camaro and drove off, barely glancing back at Dammit Farms.

One day, after many, many months, Mallory will stop by the farm again. She will tell me she's okay and show me her babies. We'll have a cup of tea and talk about the old days, then she'll go back to her life in the wilderness with Thor.


Iluska Ikeda said...

Audrey, you wouldn't believe it! I was in the hiking in the Adirondack mountains during this beautiful weekend, and I found a Turkey couple. After gobbling to them for a bit (hey, I am a PhD student in Linguistics - obviously I have an interest in all languages, right?), the girl turkey told me she had left behind her family to follow her love. She asked me to deliver a letter if I could, and lo and behold, it was addressed to Damnit Farms! So here it is...

Iluska Ikeda said...

"Dear Audrey,

You may be wondering why you haven’t seen me in the last few weeks. I’m sorry dear, but I have run away; away with my freedom, my wild spirit, and yes, my love. I read your blog (I betcha you didn’t know I could read!), and it’s impressive how quickly you caught on. It’s not that I felt like a third wheel, but well, things in Damnit Farms are just too settled, too predictable, and too… suburban. I need the wild life. I need to roam free and let my turkey feet take me to new places. Don’t get me wrong, you treat me better than I could ask for, even letting me taunt the dog (he’s a funny one, that dog). But I’m a wild turkey. I can’t act all goody-two-shoes like my sister. She’s quite content to be a good farm turkey, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m glad she and Shawn get along so great. But I’m different! I need adventure, excitement. And a girl turkey needs her lovin’ too. As much as the redheaded midget gave me some nice petting (I’ll miss the little guy), it just wasn’t enough.

So when he showed up in the woods that day… What can I say? My heart skipped a beat and it was al I could do to gobble. I actually stuttered! Can you believe it? Little old me became speechless because of a hunky piece of turkey meat! The finest piece of thanksgiving meat I ever did see, he is. But just to clarify a little point, his name isn’t Thor. I mean, he looks like a God, but he’s not some pale blondish, Fabio resembling Nordic dude. He’s an all-American, wild bird. So, to set the record straight, his name is Brad.

I hope you can get this note. This creepy lady I found in the backwoods of Western NY (we’re going to Canada for a brief interlude, but we’ll be back for warmer weather for sure), insisted she’ll deliver this to you. It works out well, since I can’t walk into the USPS office during these dangerous seasons for turkeys, and I have no money to buy stamps anyway. I hope everyone is doing well. Give my love to the midget and the dog. I miss you all, but know that I am happy with my turkey-man on our adventure.


mhuffman said...

You never fail to make me laugh out loud. Thank you!