Dear Hens,

I don't so much care that mothering is just "not your thing" and that you just lay eggs any ol' where. Could you girls possibly develop an egg-laying pattern, or something? Lay in the horse pen on Wednesdays, the goat pen on Thursdays, the hen house on weekends, and so forth? You girls used to lay in the hen house more so than not. What was wrong with that? Did that become too boring and predictable?

I do not enjoy this "every day is Easter" theme we have going. I have a lot of things to do. You know those little redheaded things that follow me everywhere? Those are my children. I hatched them, and now I must make sure that they stay alive. You may have noticed that you share your area with many other animals. I am in charge of feeding them all. I do not have time to prancing around with a basket looking for eggs. I'm pretty sure that there is a snake out there who is much better at finding them anyway.

I don't think that I am really asking that much. I do feed you, and look out for your general well-being. I would like a few eggs as payment. Have you seen the conditions that most laying hens live in? It's ugly. They don't get to tramp around the countryside, eating bugs and frolicking in the creek. I'm just sayin.....

Audrey, your loving caretaker who would love to know where the goddam eggs are, because she be hungry.....mmmkay?