To the Creature in the Woodpile

Do you have fur, feathers, or scales?
Are you vegetarian, or carnivore?
Why do you stay while the dog wales?
I can't take it anymore.

Why is that stack of wood such a great house?
Is it the view? Do you get rodent HBO?
Do you host all-nighters with your friend the mouse?
Is it warm, even in the snow?

It must be great in there,
worth withstanding the non-stop howling.
Are you in the jacuzzi with your i-pod and you just don't care?
Or are you entranced in the latest J.K. Rowling?

I saw you one time.
A running phantom with a tail.
Still not sure if you are red, or spotted, or covered in grime.
I certainly don't know if you are female or male.

I'm tired of the constant baying.
Aren't you?
Dan doesn't like you staying.
He says: "ah booo, ah booo, ah boo!"

I'll pay you to take his advice.
I'll leave five dollars at your door.
You could buy shampoo for your lice.
You could rent a cottage on the Moore.

Please find another place to live.